Contents
1.
“I as soon as walked in on my dad and mom having intercourse. It was probably the most embarrassing half-hour of my life.”2.
“An escalator can by no means break — it could solely develop into stairs. It is best to by no means see ‘Escalator briefly out of order,’ simply ‘Escalator briefly stairs.’”3.
“I hate when ladies evaluate males to canines. Males usually are not canines. Canines are loyal. I’ve by no means discovered any unusual panties in my canine’s home.”4.
“I used to be going to sail across the globe on this planet’s smallest ship, however I bottled it.”5.
“I do not assume we’re as wonderful as our dad and mom are… I am not going to have any struggles to inform my youngsters about. What’s my story going to be like? ‘Ah, son, as soon as, once I was flying from New York to LA, my iPad died!'”6.
“A health care provider gave his affected person six months to stay…however he couldn’t pay his invoice, so he gave him one other six months.”7.
“Asian ladies, we stay without end. And you realize why we’re such dangerous drivers? As a result of we’re making an attempt to die. We’re like, ‘Yeah! Let me see how invincible I actually am!’”8.
“My girlfriend makes me wish to be a greater particular person — so I can get a greater girlfriend.”9.
“I hate weddings…they’re needy and conceited. They go, ‘Oh, we’re getting married. Do you wanna come and watch us for 12 hours?’ ‘No. Fuck, no.’ Even the invite is conceited, is not it? It is like a royal decree. ‘You’re cordially invited…’ It is not a fucking honor. I do not wanna go to your shitty marriage ceremony. Know what I imply? And you then go, ‘Oh, proper, yeah. When is it?’ They go, ‘Two years’ time.’ They know you have not received an excuse for 2 years’ time.”10.
“My sister was with two males in a single night time…she might hardly stroll after that. Are you able to think about? Two dinners? That’s lots of meals.”11.
“I used to assume the mind was probably the most fascinating a part of the physique. Then I noticed, properly…look what’s telling me that.”12.
“If it is a penny to your ideas and you set in your two cents price, then somebody, someplace is making a penny.”13.
“I as soon as wore a peekaboo shirt. Individuals would peek after which boo.”14.
“I can’t hearken to any new songs. As a result of each new tune is about how tonight is the night time and we solely have tonight. That’s such 19-year-old horseshit. I wish to write songs for folks of their 30s known as ‘Tonight’s no good. How about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s not see one another for eight months and it doesn’t matter in any respect.’”15.
“I journey rather a lot. TSA seems at my identify, and immediately I’m probably the most fascinating man on this planet. ‘Mr. Mohammed…please step this manner.’”16.
Stated to her boyfriend: “Have you learnt how straightforward it could be for me to cheat on you? Have you learnt what number of holes I’ve in me? I take this slice of Swiss cheese across the block — it’s over for you, dude.”17.
“Right here’s all it’s important to learn about women and men: Girls are loopy, males are silly. And the principle cause ladies are loopy is that males are silly.”18.
“, some folks say life is brief and that you might get hit by a bus at any second and that it’s important to stay every day prefer it’s your final. Bullshit. Life is lengthy. You are in all probability not gonna get hit by a bus, and also you’re gonna need to stay with the alternatives you make for the following 50 years.”19.
“The primary party you will have and the final party you will have are literally fairly comparable. You simply type of sit there. You’re the least excited particular person on the social gathering. You didn’t even actually notice that there’s a social gathering. Each birthday events’ folks have that will help you blow out the candles. It’s additionally the one two birthday events the place different folks have to collect your mates collectively for you.”20.
“I desire a lady…with unique manufacturing facility settings.”21.
On by accident setting himself on hearth: “Fireplace is inspirational. They need to use it within the Olympics, ‘trigger I did the 100-yard sprint in 4.3. one thing I came upon? While you’re on hearth and working down the road, folks will get out of your approach. Apart from one previous drunk, he’s going, ‘Can I get a lightweight? How about it? Just a bit off the sleeve. Okay?’”22.
“I used to be identified as an unsightly baby on the age of 11 by a caricature artist at a Six Flags, and I didn’t know till then. I actually didn’t, after which he turned that canvas round and my dad was like, ‘Oh my God, it’s uncanny.’ My entire household’s like, ‘Whoa, Nik, it’s you!’ ‘I’m like, ‘Actually? Okay, I didn’t know I had buck tooth and bushy eyebrows, a Founding Father haircut and a tiny bicycle.’ However then I knew.”23.
“Why do they name it rush hour when nothing strikes?”24.
“It is wonderful how electronic mail has modified our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter within the mail as we speak? ‘What the? Has somebody been kidnapped?'”25.
“I am paranoid about every part in my life. Even at dwelling on my stationary bike, I’ve received a rearview mirror.”26.
“I like being married. It’s nice to seek out that one particular particular person you wish to annoy for the remainder of your life.”27.
“I don’t get no respect — once I was born, I used to be so ugly…the physician slapped my mom!”28.
“I’m petrified of the tuxedo. I am going to clarify. While you’re a white man and also you placed on a tux, you go from common Joe to James Bond, undercover agent. You look cool. While you’re a Black man, you go from common Joe to Barack Obama. Presidential. While you’re a Latino male, you go from common Jose to waiter.”29.
“The primary time I see a jogger smiling, I am going to take into account it.”30.
“In case you odor burning toast, you’re both having a stroke…or simply overcooking your toast.”31.
“Throwing acid is flawed…in some folks’s eyes.”32.
“I by no means believed in Santa Claus as a result of I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after darkish.”33.
“In case you might go wherever on this planet… I mentioned, ‘Anyplace?’ He mentioned ‘Anyplace.’ I’m like, ‘To the opposite aspect of the room. Now please get out of the way in which of a lady and her dream.’”34.
“So my spouse mentioned she learn this text in {a magazine} and he or she mentioned: ‘, possibly you are affected by untimely ejaculation.’ Yeah, does it seem like I am struggling? These aren’t tears in your stomach.”35.
“All males make errors, however married males discover out about them sooner.”36.
“I used to play sports activities. Then I noticed you should purchase trophies. Now I’m good at every part.”37.
“I have the funds for to final me the remainder of my life…except I purchase one thing.”38.
“I’m in remedy, which is bizarre as a result of I’m Midwestern. I needs to be burying this ache in my yard with a pie.”39.
“I simply joined a gymnasium. I don’t work on the market, I simply joined it. It’s good to have one thing to cancel.”40.
“I get into arguments with taxi drivers on a regular basis. I get out of the cab and slam the door, however that’s not the way in which to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way in which to win is you get out of the cab and depart the door open. Then he has to get out, come round and shut the door. Whereas he’s doing that, I’m on the opposite aspect, opening the opposite doorways. And we simply preserve going round and round and round. And I received my very own Benny Hill state of affairs happening, and I received.”41.
On birthdays throughout his childhood: “Once I was 10 there wasn’t trampolines and cartoon characters, I by no means went to Chuck E. Cheese! My mother mentioned, ‘You wanna see a mouse, pull the fridge out!'”42.
“I used to be sitting in my house taking part in my favourite house sport: Discover the odor. Fortunately, it was me.”43.
“Alcohol: As a result of no nice story ever began with somebody consuming a salad.”44.
“In case you go to a Black historical past museum and you bought a Black tour information, you want to go within the morning whereas he’s nonetheless in a superb temper… You gotta catch him at 9:00 a.m. He simply completed that McGriddle. ‘How y’all doing? My identify is Charles, it’s my pleasure to take you on this journey. Have a look at these reveals proper right here. Black historical past is American historical past. Come take a look at the reveals.’ You assume that brother gonna be in a superb temper at 4:30? He been looking at slavery all day. That dude liable to cuss out everyone. ‘Have a look at this shit! Come look what you executed to us! Look what you — get your ass out my museum, motherfucker!’ You go to the reward store, it’s simply folks crying.”45.
“I am a procrastinator, man. It is actually dangerous. It is an issue, you realize? I am frightened finally my bucket listing is simply gonna be a bunch of errands I have never run but. How unhappy would that be if my physician was like, ‘You bought a couple of months left to stay,’ and I am like, ‘Dang, I received to rush up and body these images.'”46.
“Numerous Individuals are affected by despair youthful and youthful — our kids are seeing the sippy cup as half-empty.”47.
“Asian dad and mom are the final group of individuals you possibly can ever persuade to see a health care provider… Nothing could make my mother see a health care provider. My mother might have an arrow going proper by her pants and he or she’s making an attempt to tug it out like Rambo, proper? And also you’re like, ‘Yo, Mother, let’s go see a health care provider.’ And my mother can be like, ‘No. They simply wish to take folks’s cash.’”48.
“I’m not a giant supporter of small companies. I’m extra of a giant enterprise type of man. I like companies so massive there’s one other enterprise inside them, like a Goal with a Starbucks in it. However the true cause I don’t assist small companies is as a result of I’ve irritable bowel syndrome…it’s important to use their lavatory, however these stone-cold killers will look you within the eyes and say no to you even after you say, ‘What if I purchase one in every of your silly candles?’”49.
On relationships with immigrant fathers: “You’d be like, ‘Dad, what’s your favourite coloration?’ ‘Stanford!’ ‘What? I wish to know extra about you.’ ‘Why do you wish to learn about me? Get into Stanford!’”50.
“In case you can see the handwriting on the wall…you are on the bathroom.”
